Hopes and Dreams: 50% off – Hit the bargain bin by the door and take your pick of a lifetime’s reasonably-priced ambitions, all reduced for quick sale! Fruition not guaranteed, all sales final.
Sense of Humor: free to a good home – The cost of maintenance is bankrupting us, but maybe you can afford to support such a luxury! Only slightly twisted, could be good as new with just a little buffing. And it’s free! Can’t beat free!
Creative Integrity: 25 cents or best offer – I mean, this should have the first item, obviously. But let’s face it – it’s obviously not worth much in the current market. What have you got? Check your pockets. Check under the sofa cushions. Pull some used chewing gum from under a bus seat. Make me an offer, and it’s yours!
Motivation: $5 – Okay, so it’s clapped-out and hasn’t worked right in years. But there’s still a little life in it. Probably. Give it a kick, and see what happens for you. It’s only $5. How can you afford not to take it home and try it out?
the Complete Oeuvre: $100,000,000 – You can have it all. Every word I’ve ever written. Yours to do with as you please. I won’t even check up on my babies after you take them. No claim, no lien, no questions asked. Not bad for a lifetime’s blood, sweat, and tears, right? It may seem like a lot of money, but believe me, it’s worth it. No, really. Totally worth it.
Sense of Self-Esteem: $.05 – One shiny nickel, and this baby’s all yours! Heaven knows we won’t be needing it after the rest of this Sale goes through, so it may as well get some work somewhere! Take it home, polish it up, and make it purr.
Sense of Purpose in Life: trade-in only – No reasonable offer refused!
That’s it, folks. Nose around, see what strikes your fancy, make us an offer. We’re not proud, here; just desperate. Everything must go, and our loss is your gain. So take advantage of these one-time and one-of-a-kind deals!
All Sales final. No warranties or guarantees provided or implied. Cats not included (non-negotiable).
